I had read the New Testament through 3 times by the time I was 14 years old. I so desperately wanted to know the reality of the power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I was hungry for the supernatural touch of God on my life. Reading in the book of Acts about the day of Pentecost, and the amazing things that followed wet my appetite for the deep things of God. To not just read about it or know it intellectually, but to know Him experientially.
That heart's cry was answered at summer camp (Living Faith, summer of 1994). Caught up in the presence of God focused entirely on Him, I literally ran out of English. I exhausted the English language of every thing I could possibly say or express in worship. Then the heavenly language started to pour out of me like a rushing river. I often speak in tongues in worship. Quiet enough though that only those sitting immediately beside me would have a chance at hearing. I also use my prayer language whenever praying for something or someone and not knowing what to pray. Sometimes it changes, I have detected 4 different languages in use at different times, but 90% of the time it is only one. Tongues is not the only gift of the Spirit that my Lord has worked through me. I'll get to all that later though.
It just so happens that that summer was also my little adventure into the world of modeling. I participated in a Chan International Model search that year. Won an honorable mention for photogenics (which basically means that they liked my picture). That pic of me is hanging in my bathroom. I considered pursing modeling further, but I was 5'8" and 120 lbs, and they told me to lose even more weight. To that I said "no thanks".
14... was also the age at which I met a guy who will go unnamed in this blog, who was the major love of my teenage years. We actually met at the above mentioned camp, he was 4 years older than me. I viewed him as a friend, for the first year I knew him. Then I fell, and I fell hard. For the sake of my poor readers, I will spare you my description of what I thought of him. It was a long distance friendship, seeing him only 2 or 3 times a year, writing letters back and forth, and the affection was purely one-sided. He never reciprocated. For 3, almost 4 years I prayed and hoped and daydreamed... only to come crashing down to earth just before my 18th birthday with a letter that ripped my heart to shreds. Then a further twist of the knife a couple months later, as I discovered that he and another friend of mine had been dating for over a year and neither had had the decency to tell me. They let me continue to hope, they had both lied to me... I have no words for the pain that caused. Another couple months went by... and their engagement was plastered on the front page of a local newspaper. (They are both kind of celebrities.)
As always, my God is so faithful, He takes everything that happens and causes it to turn around for my good. I was able to forgive, the pain passed, I actually attended their wedding and was able to honestly be happy for them (which was a shock to me). Of far greater importance, my relationship with God grew deeper still, and I came to understand that He is not only my friend, He is my first love. Out of pain bloomed a love for God and an ability to experience His love in return that so satisfied my soul that I could be perfectly happy being single forever, God's love is far more satisfying than that from any man. I literally "dated" God, spending 1, 2, sometimes 3 hours a day in prayer and worship. To some people that sounds boring... not when His presence is so thick and strong that it becomes more real to me that the air I breathe. He is captivating. The embodiment of beauty, power, infinite wisdom, infinite grace, so complex and incredible that I can think of no greater joy than to spend an eternity in His presence. The cry of my heart is that my life would bring glory and honor to His name.
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