A few insights

Reading Exodus 3 today, I had a few insights I'd like to share. I'm not going to give the context or story behind it here, for that you'll just have to dig out a Bible and read it for yourself, or you can use the online Bibles available, my favorite being the Bible Study tools at www.crosswalk.com. These are just my rough notes and observations.

vs. 3-4
God didn't talk to Moses until:
a. Moses took the time to notice the supernatural in something as natural as a burning bush, which many others could have easily overlooked. How many times has God been doing something amazing right in front of us and we are so pre-occupied and busy that we don't even notice?
b. Moses took the time to focus on and watch the bush closely enough and for long enough to notice that the bush was not being consumed or burned by the fire
c. Moses continued to focus on it inspite of distractions, there were other people that he had to send away who were trying to get him to leave

vs. 11-12
Moses asked "Who am I?..." (or as we would probably whine, "Why me, God?" and come up with excuse after excuse for why we can't do what God is telling us to do)
God's response was to say "I am with you." Or in other words, "I chose you, get over yourself already and realize that it has nothing to do with you. I'm the one who will supply the strength, wisdom, resources, etc. to do what needs to be done. Stop looking at yourself and your own weaknesses, focus on My strength."

v. 22
God promised to send the Israelites out of Egypt RICH with gold, clothing, etc. BUT!!! (it's a big but) It wasn't going to fall from the sky or just be handed over to them with no effort on their part. They had to have the faith to take the risk to ASK the Egyptians to give it to them. Which says to me that it doesn't matter if God has promised you the moon, unless you ACT on your faith, take a risk, and move in the direction of what God has promised, it ain't gonna happen.

Which also means that for personal prophecy (promises God has and still does make to individuals through His prophets) to come true, there must be faith and action on the part of the individual who received the promise. Just because a word is given does not guarantee that it will come to full fruition.
I believe this applies more on an individual basis than for humanity as a whole. For example, in the book of Esther, God had purposed to save His people, and it was Esther's choice whether or not she would be the instrument He used to save them. If she had refused, He simply would have used some other means. His people still would have been saved, but Esther as an individual, would have missed out on the very purpose and destiny of her life.

A Book to Recommend

I am thrilled to bits right now. I am reading "The Normal Christian Life" by Watchman Nee, and everyone needs to read this book. There is a clarity of revelation and understanding unfolding in my spirit that was not there before. The book is a study on the book of Romans. It is so basic, so beautifully simple, and much of it I have known before but not to this depth. I'm at work right now, a wonderfully slow saturday shift, but I have not been bored in the slightest. I can not wait to get home and spend some time just praising God for all His goodness. Too much of my life has been spent living in Romans 7... it's time to cross over to Romans 8. Where there have been times in my life I have walked by the Spirit, those times have been too few, too far between. (if you don't know what I mean, go read those 2 chapters)
Anyway, I am going to do my own study on Romans, we covered it in Bible College, but no where near this extent. I think they need to start using this book as the text for that course!
I'm nearly bursting. Praise the Lord!

Life is too short

Walking home from work today, I realized just how fast my life is slipping by. I'll be 30 in a year and a half. There is so much that I want to do/accomplish/change in my life. At 25, I set a bunch of goals of things that I wanted to do by my 30th birthday, and with it looming so close, I realize that I am a long way off from accomplishing most of those things. So, with only a year and a half to go, what goals need to be revised, changed, dropped completely, updated, and planned out? I do not want to hit 30 and look back on my 20s and see only regrets of things left undone. Lord, help me. I so desperately need You. I am so aware that I am nothing without You.
Life is too short... I am so glad that I will have eternity.

So, when I celebrate my 30th birthday... what do I want to look back at? What are the most important things to me to accomplish? I need to go think/pray about this.

Stand- by Susan Ashton

With visible breath I'm calling your name
With visible tracks I'm finding my way
With a sorrowful heart I honor this pain
And offer these tears to the rain
In a moment of truth at the top of the hill
I open my arms and let go of my will

And stand
With my face to the wind
With the storm beating down
On this sacred groundIf I stand
For the grace that I've known
For what I believe
Then I won't stand alone
No I won't stand alone

There's a new pair of eyes
To embrace all I see
A new peace of mind
That comes quietly
There's a joy in my heart
That you've given to me
And I offer this soul's melody
So I'll beat on my chest
'Til my song has been sung
And I'll cry like the wolf
At the top of my lungs


When the thundering voices of doubt
Try to shake my faith
I'll be listening from inside out
And I won't be afraid to...

Stand
With my face to the wind
With the storm beating down
On this sacred ground
If I stand
For the grace that I've known
For what I believe
Then I won't stand alone
No I won't stand
I won't stand alone

My Message

If my life could be boiled down to one message, it would be this. (how often I need to remind myself of these things!)

Seek God, with all of your heart, seek Him. Learn His Word, learn His ways, learn to hear His voice. And no matter what circumstances come your way, be obedient. The 2 most important commandments are to love God and to love others. Do that, and everything else will come together.

Struggles happen, dreams die. Sometimes He will resurrect those dreams. Be patient, follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, you can trust Him, He knows you better than you know yourself. He is the designer of your heart, desire reveals design, design reveals destiny. A bird desires to fly, because it was designed to and that is it's destiny. Your heart's desire is there for a greater purpose than you can image. So if that desire is to write, then write. If to sing, then sing. If to teach, then teach. If to dance, then dance. Only let it flow from a heart that loves God first and foremost.

He is faithful. Even when we are faithless, His never ending love endures. You are not alone, even when you can not feel His presence, still He is there. He is a father you can rely on, far better than any earthly father.

There is so much more I could say, but not tonight. It is late, but there is someone I need to pray for.

A Song

Not one of my songs, but so where my heart is at right now.


Here I am, once again
I pour out my heart for I know that You hear every cry
You are listening
No matter what state my heart is in
You are faithful to answer
With words that are true and a hope that is real
As I feel Your touch
You bring a freedom to all that's within

In the safety of this place
I'm longing to pour out my heart
Say that I love You
Pour out my heart
Say that I need You
Pour out my heart
To say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart
And say that You're wonderful

You are so amazing, Lord.

*smiles*

Every now and then, my man goes and does something wonderful that reminds me again of why I married him in the first place. Got an early anniversary present last night that just about made me cry. You are awesome hon!

My Life (part 5)

Ok, back to the work here. I'm gonna rewind a bit from where I left off last.
On the topic of spiritual gifts. One of my major spiritual gifts is compassion, and it is the source of the gift of healing. Several times in the gospels, Jesus felt compassion for the people, after which miracles ensued. For me, I can often feel what others feel. Especially when they are hurting. Sometimes I am more sensitive, more open to the Spirit, than others. Sometimes when in a crowd... I can't explain it. But if there are a lot of people around me that are going through major tough times, even complete strangers, sometimes I just have to get out and be alone. It can be overwhelming at times.

There have been miracles though. Oh my, have there ever. The first was in high school. I was in the library studying for my social final, and a friend came in on crutches, she had twisted her ankle really bad the night before. The Lord prompted me to pray for her, so we went off to a quiet back corner of the library. Well, not only did she leave the library walking perfectly fine, but a week later after a trip to her doctor's for her regular diabetes check up, they discovered that her diabetes was gone as well. She was not on insulin shots, just pill form, but she didn't need it any more at all.

As a quick list... I have seen psoriasis (a painful, itchy skin condition) clear up before my eyes in a matter of minutes, broken bones instantly healed, back conditions healed (not sure why mine still bugs me, but everyone else I pray for seems to get better. Maybe it's just hard to have compassion on yourself), arthritis in the hands healed, I have seen a deaf ear open and a blind man receive his sight, have not yet had the pleasure of seeing someone raise from the dead though. The most profound, life altering, and difficult to substantiate are the miracles of the heart. Broken hearts healed and restored (including my own). Miracles happen today folks. Jesus still heals through His people. The gifts of the Spirit were not only for the early church fathers, they are for today, here and now, and the world desperately needs people who know how to walk in them.

On a lighter note

I am definitely on a writing kick right now. I go through phases. I'll be absorbed in one interest for a period of time, then absolutely drop it and do nothing with it for sometimes weeks or months.

How about a few little known fun facts?
I can say the alphabet backwards, from Z to A.
I started playing guitar at 16 years old solely to be able to put music to the songs I write.
I can also play flute and I'm pretty mean on the recorder, lol.

My most embarrassing moment was at a summer camp when I was about 13 or 14. I had this pretty big crush on a dude named Joel. He was 18, one of the counselors that year. Anyway, my friend decided to convince him to sit with us for breakfast one morning, and arranged that he was sitting right beside me. Then proceeded to tell him that I liked him in no uncertain terms, loud enough for a few tables around to hear. He choked on his coffee and just about spit it all over the table. I prayed for the floor to open up and swallow me whole.

I was a letter-writing maniac. I had anywhere from 15 to 30 penpals at any given time and wrote about 10-20 letters a week to different friends all over Canada, and I also had 3 penpals in Taiwan, one in Spain, one in Haiti, and a few others as well. The post office ladies knew me by name. I kept every single letter I ever received from most of those penpals. Except from one of them. I burned his letters.

I have a file full of all the wonderful little notes I have gotten from people over the years so that if I get depressed or lonely, I can remind myself of the people that love me.

I am a much better communicator in writing than I am in person. Sometimes shy in person. Although, me now compared to me in Junior high... wow. What a change. Huge leaps forward in confidence.

I have never been outside of Canada... yet. Never been on an airplane either.

I am a firm believer that there does not have to be a first for everything. There are many things I have never done, and probably never will.

I used to read until 5 or 6 am every single night. Then my parents wondered why I was next to impossible to wake up in the morning. I was really good at fake-sleeping.

I still stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning sometimes if I have something big on my mind.

I am getting in shape with Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease DVDs. My man appreciates that a lot. Yeah, I have moves, lol.

I think that is about it for now.

My Life (part 4)

I can't sleep. Too many thoughts going through my mind. So on with part 4!

I left off with me at 19 years old, having just broken up with my very first boyfriend (who was also my first kiss). Oh, there is so much from my teen years that I have left out, but this is not meant to be my official memoirs or anything like that.

My time in Bible College is next. Fall of 1999, I started my first year at Bible College. First weekend into Bible College and they take the whole school on a camp out. (small school, only 45 students total, all 3 years combined) It was quiet amusing. The boys wrestled to figure out who was the strongest in the school, the winner was a guy named Brett who was a body builder. The girls sat and talked and got to know each other. Then came a late night game of Spoons. If you are unfamiliar with the game, it's simple to play, hilariously fun, and often turns violent. Consisting of two or three decks of cards, and one fewer spoon than there are people. The first person to get 4 of a kind grabs a spoon, then every one else fights (sometimes literally) over the remaining spoons. Whoever ends up without a spoon is out of the game. In this case, it ended up literally bloody. Those boys can be vicious!

There is a reason Bible College has a popular nickname among Christians... Bridal College. It seems that's where a lot of us end up meeting our future mates. I met mine during Bible College, but he wasn't a classmate. Hmm... perhaps it's time to tell that tale.

I first met my man at a summer camp when I was 12 or 13 years old. I think I was 13. I liked him at the time, however at that age my affections were very fickle and constantly changing. At the end of the week there was a banquet, when everyone dressed up in their finest and the counselors served the campers a candle light dinner. I wanted to go with him. I was chicken. I made one of my friends ask him for me. Turns out he had a thing for redheads at the time and wanted to go with someone else. She turned him down. So we both went dateless.

Fast forward a few years. To March 2000, almost at the end of my first year of Bible College. Very content being single at the time, God sent me a much needed "heads up" that He was about to bring someone into my life. I probably would have completely blown him off if the Lord hadn't gotten my attention first. I was volunteering at a church conference, and an older gentleman approached me, shook my hand, and without introducing himself at all delivered a message that was absolutely from the Lord. I had never met him before, but you'd think he had stolen my journal and read it. Some of what he said was word for word what I had written. At the end of that message was added in that God was sending my husband to me soon.

Two months later there was another conference being held that I really really wanted to go to, but did not have the money. A couple from my church offered to pay for me to attend, and I very thankfully accepted. Well, not only did I meet up with my man again at that conference, as only the Lord could have arranged, we were staying at the same home for the conference. All weekend long it was bugging me that I knew him from somewhere, but I could not figure out where. Sunday afternoon we had a good long talk and figured out where we knew each other from. The next tuesday he hopped on a greyhound bus and came to visit me. He then came at least once a week, often sleeping on my parents' couch. The rest, as they say, is history. We were engaged that New Years, 2001, during my second year of Bible College, and married the following June. It'll be 7 years on June 9th.

Married life... wow what a journey it has been.
For me, our "honeymoon" phase ended very quickly. About 2 weeks after we got home from our honeymoon, his ugly side started to come out. There were signs of it before hand, it would have been wiser for us to wait and give him time to work out his issues before we got married, but we were impatient. I was impatient. Which goes to teach an important lesson, just because God brings someone into your life is no reason to stop using your brain and exercising wisdom. There is safety in wisdom. Don't rush anything.

He had a nasty anger problem, the scope of which I have only ever told one other person. In addition to anger, he struggled constantly with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and suicidal thoughts. He was so gripped by it that he would wake up every morning physically ill and vomit because of the anxiety. I lived on egg shells. Constantly tiptoeing around, never knowing what might set him off screaming and yelling and throwing things around. It was usually stupid little things. I didn't fold his laundry right, cook the hot dogs his way, idiotic things to get angry over. I was afraid to leave or take a stand because it could have sent him off the deep end. I very quickly fell out of love with him, and I learned to scream back, slam doors, and hide in the bathroom till he calmed down. I chose to love him as a conscious choice, I had to discipline myself to love him.

That continued for the first... almost 4 years. Until I finally made a choice. This had to change, or he would lose me. I gave him 6 months to get help, counseling, medication, whatever he needed to change, and made it very clear that if I did not see a significant improvement by the end of that time, that I was leaving. Thankfully, he did get help. We both went through some anger management and abuse counseling. He saw a doctor and got on some medication for his depression and anxiety issues. I am so thankful that we did not have kids to worry about in the middle of going through all of that.

It was a long process. The restoration of our relationship was very hard, and still continues to this day. I am thankful though to be able to say that the last 2 years have by far been the best. Not easy. But a thousand times better that it was. Good enough for me to now be looking forward to him being the father of my children. For a time... I couldn't even think of having kids with him. And yes, I do love him. How I can still love him is an absolute work of God in my heart. It took a lot of forgiveness and time and healing.

My Life (part 3)

After junior high, I had no desire whatsoever to see most of my classmates again. I went into homeschooling for the next 2 years. That was the best thing for me. I made all new friends, got in with a completely different group of people, my grades shot sky-high (97% overall average in grade 10), and my confidence grew alot. After those 2 years, I decided to go back to a regular high school. By that time I had my driver's liscence and my Dad got me a car, so I drove to the town north of us for high-school rather than the one to the south (where most kids from my home town end up). They were not certain how my homeschooling program would mesh with public school, so I ended up stuck back in grade 11 in most courses. My homeschooling program was very advanced in English, so they put me right in English 30. That was a breeze. In fact, I was so lazy in that class, I did almost zero homework. I went into the final exam with a 60% average... got 95% on the final and still ended up with honors for the course.

I think I was 14 (maybe 15) when I met my best girl friend. For the purposes of this blog, let's call her Jackie. (I know, not very inventive, but I'll edit this later when I come up with something better.) I had been praying for a friend, just one true close friend, for a few weeks. A mutual friend of ours invited both of us on a ski trip with her church's youth group. She convinced Jackie and I to go up to the top of the big hill, where she promptly abandoned us. Neither Jackie or I could ski at all. We were bunny-hillers. So Jackie and I became friends very, very quickly as we tried not to kill ourselves getting down this hill. It's amazing how quickly perilous circumstances will bond two people together. A week later we had our first phone conversation... which lasted over 2 hours. We've been friends ever since. She knows me so well that all I have to say is "hi" and she knows immediately if I've had a bad day or not. Now that is rare to find in a friend. She is an absolute gift from God and there have been days that I do not know how I could have gotten through without her support.

Let's skip ahead again (yes, I know, I keep going back and forth, that's just the way my brain works, deal with it). I was 18 years old, out of high school, taking a year to work supposedly to save up for college, but I didn't end up saving a penny. I run into a guy who had been an acquaintance in junior high. He was a grade or 2 behind me, I think I'm about a year and a half older than him. For some reason, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it was because of a particularly bad experience with one older guy, I started liking the idea of younger men. Bunny trail. Anyways, he asked if I minded if he came over to visit. I didn't mind at all. He'd always show up unannounced, once or twice a week, and we'd hang out, play chess, go for walks, talk. I won every single game of chess we ever played. I am pretty sure he let me win, because I am really not that good at chess. I knew he liked me the whole time, I just wasn't so sure about him. He had some very, very different views on God. Kinda invented his own religion that seemed to be a mix of Catholic tradition, Buddhism, and a few other influences.

My 19th birthday came around, and I was sick. I had a nasty cold, sore throat, stomach ache, runny nose, the works. Needless to say, I was not feeling attractive in the slightest. He came over, by surprise again, with a few movies, some ginger ale, throat lozenges... We watched movies till the wee hours of the morning. (side note, forgive me for saying this hon, but it's the truth, he was a much better kisser than you, and to this day that was the best back massage I've ever received.)
The entire time, cuddling and the works, there was a war going on in my heart. I knew for a fact that he was not the man God wanted for me, but oh how I tried to fight Him on that one. I didn't sleep that night, or the next night, or the one after that. Arguing with God is not a smart idea. He always wins. A total of 4 hours of sleep over those 3 days was all I got. Until I finally let go of my will and my stubbornness and decided to obey what I knew God was telling me to do. I had to let him go, or never sleep well again and I was freaking exhausted. Being the shy type, I was scared to bits to talk to him about this in person. I wimped out and wrote him a letter instead. I've only seen him once since then, and that was after I was already engaged to my husband. I often wonder how he's doing though. I don't believe that one ever truly stops caring about people that were a part of their lives.

My Life (part 2)

I had read the New Testament through 3 times by the time I was 14 years old. I so desperately wanted to know the reality of the power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I was hungry for the supernatural touch of God on my life. Reading in the book of Acts about the day of Pentecost, and the amazing things that followed wet my appetite for the deep things of God. To not just read about it or know it intellectually, but to know Him experientially.

That heart's cry was answered at summer camp (Living Faith, summer of 1994). Caught up in the presence of God focused entirely on Him, I literally ran out of English. I exhausted the English language of every thing I could possibly say or express in worship. Then the heavenly language started to pour out of me like a rushing river. I often speak in tongues in worship. Quiet enough though that only those sitting immediately beside me would have a chance at hearing. I also use my prayer language whenever praying for something or someone and not knowing what to pray. Sometimes it changes, I have detected 4 different languages in use at different times, but 90% of the time it is only one. Tongues is not the only gift of the Spirit that my Lord has worked through me. I'll get to all that later though.

It just so happens that that summer was also my little adventure into the world of modeling. I participated in a Chan International Model search that year. Won an honorable mention for photogenics (which basically means that they liked my picture). That pic of me is hanging in my bathroom. I considered pursing modeling further, but I was 5'8" and 120 lbs, and they told me to lose even more weight. To that I said "no thanks".

14... was also the age at which I met a guy who will go unnamed in this blog, who was the major love of my teenage years. We actually met at the above mentioned camp, he was 4 years older than me. I viewed him as a friend, for the first year I knew him. Then I fell, and I fell hard. For the sake of my poor readers, I will spare you my description of what I thought of him. It was a long distance friendship, seeing him only 2 or 3 times a year, writing letters back and forth, and the affection was purely one-sided. He never reciprocated. For 3, almost 4 years I prayed and hoped and daydreamed... only to come crashing down to earth just before my 18th birthday with a letter that ripped my heart to shreds. Then a further twist of the knife a couple months later, as I discovered that he and another friend of mine had been dating for over a year and neither had had the decency to tell me. They let me continue to hope, they had both lied to me... I have no words for the pain that caused. Another couple months went by... and their engagement was plastered on the front page of a local newspaper. (They are both kind of celebrities.)

As always, my God is so faithful, He takes everything that happens and causes it to turn around for my good. I was able to forgive, the pain passed, I actually attended their wedding and was able to honestly be happy for them (which was a shock to me). Of far greater importance, my relationship with God grew deeper still, and I came to understand that He is not only my friend, He is my first love. Out of pain bloomed a love for God and an ability to experience His love in return that so satisfied my soul that I could be perfectly happy being single forever, God's love is far more satisfying than that from any man. I literally "dated" God, spending 1, 2, sometimes 3 hours a day in prayer and worship. To some people that sounds boring... not when His presence is so thick and strong that it becomes more real to me that the air I breathe. He is captivating. The embodiment of beauty, power, infinite wisdom, infinite grace, so complex and incredible that I can think of no greater joy than to spend an eternity in His presence. The cry of my heart is that my life would bring glory and honor to His name.

My Life (part 1)

My life... has been anything but boring. Embarking on writing it out for the world to see is a little bit scary. I'm sure there will be a few things in here that... lets see... only 4 people know about me. Let's start at the beginning.

Most of my earliest memories involve music and singing. From the time I could talk, I sang. From dusting to what's for supper to singing along with Seasame Street, no topic was safe from being made into a song. I still love to sing, although I'm kinda shy about it. Not shy as in stage fright... but if you catch me singing as I'm washing the dishes or something, I'd smile and probably blush and then clam right up. lol. At times however... I want people to hear me, I just don't want to know that they are listening. Does that make any sense at all?

Back to the story. I was about 3 years old when my parents, who were both raised in non-Christian homes, became Christians. So I was raised in church. I first put my faith in Jesus at only 3 years old. I know that's pretty young, but I still remember it. I remember the presence of God, and what it felt like the very first time I knew that He is real. And... then I sang about it.

Between the ages of 3-6, I was fearless. I told all my friends about Jesus, prayed with several of them, and actually led little Bible study times using my kids worship music tapes.
Then elementary school came. I didn't fit in very well at all. Quite mature for my age, I tended to play alone or walk around with the teachers and keep them company. I became pretty shy, because I learned quickly that kids can be mean. I got picked on for my hair, clothes, faith, intelligence... anything that was different, and I was not a normal kid. I loved to worship God. I hated Sunday school. Mostly because I did not make friends easily with people my own age. All my best friends were at least a year or 2 older than me.

Junior high was torture. Practically. Wow, do I ever have alot of stories from junior high. I was a good student, pretty much. Honor roll in grade 7, almost flunked grade 8 (I'll get to that), honor roll again in grade 9. In grade 8, my emotions were everywhere, all over the map. I think I liked a different guy about every 3 days. Thank God I wasn't aloud to date yet, that could have been a massive disaster. I had a small group of friends, 3 of them. I made the mistake of sharing a secret with one of those friends, who in turn blabbed it all over school. I was mortified. Within 3 days all of my closest friends turned their backs on me, and I was alone. No friends left except the teacher, which is ok in elementary school but really lame in junior high. I can't remember how long that situation continued, but it felt like months. I ended up with a stomach ulcer from stress at 13 years old!

One good thing, however, that came out of that year was the knowledge of how to access the presence of God anytime, anywhere, in any circumstance. He was my Rock, my shelter, my hiding place, my refuge. Difficult times drove me to my knees, where Jesus truly became my closest friend, and He still is to this day. I can not imagine my life without Him, and I can not write about my life without telling of His love.

In grade 9 I was diagnosed with kyphosis, a spinal condition that causes a forward bend in the upper middle part of the back and if left untreated, can cause a person to become hunch-backed. The doctors fitted me with a custom made back brace. Imagine a hard plastic girdle made from a mold of your body that goes around your hips from the top of your leg to the bottom of your rib cage, then stick 1 metal bar coming up the front of your body to your neck, and 2 of those in the back, connected at your neck with a ugly metal neck brace, and an adjustable pad inbetween the 2 bars in the back forcing your back straight. Now wear it 16 hours a day, every day, for a year and a half. Yeah, not fun. My back was in constant pain. The second I got home from school I'd down some pain killers, take off the brace for a few minutes and lay down right on the cement floor in the basement until the pain killers kicked in. I took so many pain killers that I am now practically immune to Robaxecet (sp?). Even now I'd have to take 4 extra strength ones for it to have any effect. There were days I was in so much pain that I took 5 or 6 at a time.

The night before we went to find out if I could get rid of that brace or if I had to wear it for another 6 months, I prayed. Hard. I had my dad pray for me. I so wanted that thing gone. It was. My back had corrected just enough to warrant getting rid of it. If I remember correctly, we had a bon fire and burned that thing as much as we could.

A Prayer for a Friend

Father, reveal yourself to my friend, as You have to me. Let Your presence overflow, overwhelm, and overjoy his soul as only You can. Lord, I ask that You would give him a heart to seek Your face. That once again Your Word would hold true, that those who seek You with all their heart, will find You. I pray that You would heal every wound, that the warrior in him would rise up and take his place, and that You would reveal his purpose on the earth. Most of all, I pray that he would come to know Your love and that Your presence would become as real, and as natural, as breathing. Holy Spirit come. Have Your way.

The Meditation of My Heart

Here I sit at the end of this day, pondering all that has come my way
All that I have left behind, and all that waits on the other side of this night
I trust in the One who has never let me down
For the dreams that stir in this once broken soul
I trust that He is in control
He knows, He loves, He holds my very heart

As I fight again to enter in and rest my head upon His chest
I close out all noise, all other voices but the One
And I rest, at peace
Knowing that He accomplished it all.

The debt I owed, I could not pay
Far too heavy a burden to bear
No amount of "good deeds" could ever cover over
My guilt, my shame

And even now I know
Every time I come into His presence
It is not by my strength I stand
Not by my goodness I am freed
Not by my struggle that I receive
His love, His peace, His very presence alive in me

No, it has nothing to do with me

It is a testimony
To His great grace
That the One who is the Judge
Also took my place
In righteousness and justice
He declared me guilty
In love and mercy
He served my sentence

My burden is gone
My guilt forgiven
My shame hidden forever
Covered by the cloak of His love
Erased from the memory of God

I have been given a precious gift
The ability to come before the throne of God Almighty
Without fear of judgement or condemnation
Yet with great respect
For the One who gave His life for me
Is the very One who sits on the throne of heaven
And His presence is here with me even now
His Spirit surrounds me

The presence of God is... unlike anything on earth, yet somehow familiar
How do I describe that which is indescribable?
like the first warm spring day after a long cold winter
like being wrapped in a blanket made out of peace and woven with love
so aware of my own unworthiness to stand before You
yet I am welcomed

I tap into the power that created the universe
I do not control it, yet there is no fear
I am aware that His presence is the very thing
That holds the stars in their place
And He holds me

My Jesus, I rest in Your arms
I know that when I die and come home to You
It will be exactly that
I will be coming home
There will be no fear, I know my destination is sure
Only the sweet bliss of seeing Your face for the first time
But not yet.
There is so much I want to do here

So I live in constant dichotomy
The feeling of being on a journey through a foreign land
Enjoying the journey, yet longing for home at the same time

I know my future is in Your hands
There will be trials, there will be pain
There will be tests to pass and battles to fight and obstacles to overcome
Yet You are with me through it all and Your presence is my constant companion
I will not fail, because You can not fail
And my God is with me every moment, every minute
I am a temple of the Holy Spirit, a carrier of the glory of God, a vessel of honor for His purpose
Chosen from among my generation, set apart for a holy cause
I will never give up, I will never lay aside the purpose for which I was born into this world

To know Him, and make Him known
I live to bring glory to my King


"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

Challenged

A book I am reading put forth a challenging question:
What does being a Christian really mean to me?

It means that my life is not my own. I do not live life to please only myself, I live to please my Lord. I wish I could say that I live up to that ideal, but I often (sometimes daily) fall short. In spite of my faults and weaknesses (which are plenteous), it truly is my heart's desire that my life would bring glory and honor my Lord.

It means that I am loved with an everlasting love, by One who was willing to die for me. Therefore, when I fall short, I do not need to fear, His grace is always there. What amazing love! When I am faithless, He remains faithful.

It means that I believe that all people were created in the image of the One I love. For that reason, I need to show respect to and treat everyone with dignity, regardless of differing beliefs, opinions, lifestyles, etc. Some have said that this belief is conceited, thinking that Christians are created in the image of God, in fact it is the opposite. This belief is the great equalizer. It means that there is no one that I am too good to serve, there is no one who is not good enough, everyone is worthy of respect simply by the fact of their existence.

Being a Christian means 3 basic things to me:
1. I am loved.
2. I love God in response to His love, and seek to live a life that brings glory and honor to the name of Jesus Christ.
3. I love others. They are also people created in His image, for whom He gave His life, for whom He suffered and died and rose again so that they could discover that they are loved.

Matthew 22:34-40
But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees with his reply, they thought up a fresh question of their own to ask him. One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: "Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?" Jesus replied, "'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."

2 Corinthians 5:21
For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.