My Life (part 4)

I can't sleep. Too many thoughts going through my mind. So on with part 4!

I left off with me at 19 years old, having just broken up with my very first boyfriend (who was also my first kiss). Oh, there is so much from my teen years that I have left out, but this is not meant to be my official memoirs or anything like that.

My time in Bible College is next. Fall of 1999, I started my first year at Bible College. First weekend into Bible College and they take the whole school on a camp out. (small school, only 45 students total, all 3 years combined) It was quiet amusing. The boys wrestled to figure out who was the strongest in the school, the winner was a guy named Brett who was a body builder. The girls sat and talked and got to know each other. Then came a late night game of Spoons. If you are unfamiliar with the game, it's simple to play, hilariously fun, and often turns violent. Consisting of two or three decks of cards, and one fewer spoon than there are people. The first person to get 4 of a kind grabs a spoon, then every one else fights (sometimes literally) over the remaining spoons. Whoever ends up without a spoon is out of the game. In this case, it ended up literally bloody. Those boys can be vicious!

There is a reason Bible College has a popular nickname among Christians... Bridal College. It seems that's where a lot of us end up meeting our future mates. I met mine during Bible College, but he wasn't a classmate. Hmm... perhaps it's time to tell that tale.

I first met my man at a summer camp when I was 12 or 13 years old. I think I was 13. I liked him at the time, however at that age my affections were very fickle and constantly changing. At the end of the week there was a banquet, when everyone dressed up in their finest and the counselors served the campers a candle light dinner. I wanted to go with him. I was chicken. I made one of my friends ask him for me. Turns out he had a thing for redheads at the time and wanted to go with someone else. She turned him down. So we both went dateless.

Fast forward a few years. To March 2000, almost at the end of my first year of Bible College. Very content being single at the time, God sent me a much needed "heads up" that He was about to bring someone into my life. I probably would have completely blown him off if the Lord hadn't gotten my attention first. I was volunteering at a church conference, and an older gentleman approached me, shook my hand, and without introducing himself at all delivered a message that was absolutely from the Lord. I had never met him before, but you'd think he had stolen my journal and read it. Some of what he said was word for word what I had written. At the end of that message was added in that God was sending my husband to me soon.

Two months later there was another conference being held that I really really wanted to go to, but did not have the money. A couple from my church offered to pay for me to attend, and I very thankfully accepted. Well, not only did I meet up with my man again at that conference, as only the Lord could have arranged, we were staying at the same home for the conference. All weekend long it was bugging me that I knew him from somewhere, but I could not figure out where. Sunday afternoon we had a good long talk and figured out where we knew each other from. The next tuesday he hopped on a greyhound bus and came to visit me. He then came at least once a week, often sleeping on my parents' couch. The rest, as they say, is history. We were engaged that New Years, 2001, during my second year of Bible College, and married the following June. It'll be 7 years on June 9th.

Married life... wow what a journey it has been.
For me, our "honeymoon" phase ended very quickly. About 2 weeks after we got home from our honeymoon, his ugly side started to come out. There were signs of it before hand, it would have been wiser for us to wait and give him time to work out his issues before we got married, but we were impatient. I was impatient. Which goes to teach an important lesson, just because God brings someone into your life is no reason to stop using your brain and exercising wisdom. There is safety in wisdom. Don't rush anything.

He had a nasty anger problem, the scope of which I have only ever told one other person. In addition to anger, he struggled constantly with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and suicidal thoughts. He was so gripped by it that he would wake up every morning physically ill and vomit because of the anxiety. I lived on egg shells. Constantly tiptoeing around, never knowing what might set him off screaming and yelling and throwing things around. It was usually stupid little things. I didn't fold his laundry right, cook the hot dogs his way, idiotic things to get angry over. I was afraid to leave or take a stand because it could have sent him off the deep end. I very quickly fell out of love with him, and I learned to scream back, slam doors, and hide in the bathroom till he calmed down. I chose to love him as a conscious choice, I had to discipline myself to love him.

That continued for the first... almost 4 years. Until I finally made a choice. This had to change, or he would lose me. I gave him 6 months to get help, counseling, medication, whatever he needed to change, and made it very clear that if I did not see a significant improvement by the end of that time, that I was leaving. Thankfully, he did get help. We both went through some anger management and abuse counseling. He saw a doctor and got on some medication for his depression and anxiety issues. I am so thankful that we did not have kids to worry about in the middle of going through all of that.

It was a long process. The restoration of our relationship was very hard, and still continues to this day. I am thankful though to be able to say that the last 2 years have by far been the best. Not easy. But a thousand times better that it was. Good enough for me to now be looking forward to him being the father of my children. For a time... I couldn't even think of having kids with him. And yes, I do love him. How I can still love him is an absolute work of God in my heart. It took a lot of forgiveness and time and healing.